When you are pregnant there are blogs and tips about what you can expect to feel and experience for every single week of your journey. It’s actually really cool to follow along and learn which symptoms to expect that week and comforting to know it’s normal when you DO feel them. What I didn’t come across was an article on what you could expect to HEAR from everyone else throughout your pregnancy, and how THAT will make you feel. So here’s a compilation of all the things people will say to you throughout the course of your pregnancy and how you’ll WANT to respond, and how you HAVE to respond. I am here to tell you, you’re not alone in your feelings! However, let’s face it, you’re a mom now so you might as well practice holding your tongue and using your sweet soothing mom voice…
You’ve probably kept the news private from most people so the first couple weeks will be the best, most exciting, and peaceful time of your pregnancy! Enjoy it! Pour yourself fake drinks if you have to, you’re not obligated to tell anyone ANYTHING..yet!
Sharing the news with close friends and family..
“YOU’RE PREGNANT? I KNEW IT! I had a feeling…I knew it the moment I saw you last Tuesday..I always can tell. You’re having a boy, I just know these things. I always predict the gender correctly!”
What you WANT to say: Um…no you didn’t, you have no possible way of knowing that..and wait a minute, why is this all of a sudden about YOU?
What you WILL say: Thanks! That’s so funny, who knows, we’ll see! (insert the first of MANY fake smiles you’ll make over the next 9 months, don’t worry you’ll get better at it with practice..)
Right after you share the news with EVERYONE..
“Congratulations! Get ready for the hardest experience of your life! You’re never going to sleep again! Being a mom is going to change everything, it’s not about you anymore! Enjoy life while you still can…”
What You WANT to say: Thanks? I knew what I was doing when I got myself into this, but thank you for your super-positive and totally unsolicited pep talk. Have you considered motivational speaking?
What you WILL say: Thanks! Ha-ha-ha! Fake Smile!
“How are you feeling? (Waits about two seconds for your reply) you know when I was pregnant I had SUCH bad morning sickness….and I was constantly gassy and had heartburn, I couldn’t eat for weeks…”
What You WANT to say: I didn’t ask, I DIDN’T need to know that about you, and I REALLY don’t care about how you were feeling 20-35 years ago. Can I go now?
What you WILL say: I am feeling Great, so far so good!—-get cut off—-oh wow, that stinks, how awful for you! Here’s hoping I don’t have THAT! Fake Smile!
“Aw Look at you you’re getting a teeny little bump!”
What You WANT to say: Getting? Actuality I’ve had one for at least 3 weeks now, did you think I was just fat and out of shape?
What you WILL say: Yeahh, I am definitely growing, time for some maternity pants! Fake Smile!
OR..and this one might be worse..
“Wow, you still don’t even LOOK pregnant! You still look exactly the same!”
What You WANT to say: Ok so I always looked fat and bloated to you? I definitely did NOT look like this 20 weeks ago. Just because YOU have a gut….
What you WILL say: Thanks! These stretchy pants say otherwise, but I appreciate the compliment! Fake Smile!
“Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl yet? I can tell, it’s definitely a boy!”
What You WANT to say: Yes, I’ve known since week 18, but I’m clearly not telling YOU or I would have already brought it up. Also it’s a girl so SUCK IT!
What you WILL say: We do! We are waiting to tell all our family first, and then we will go public with the news! You may be right, but you may be wroooong! We’ll see, 50/50 chance! Fake Smile!
“Have you felt any kicks yet?” (Reaches hand out towards your stomach as you hear the jaws music begin to speed up in your head)
What you WANT to say (and should do): Nope, not really! (Then BACK AWAY FAST!)
What you WILL say: Very few, only at night really. (Then sadly you’re frozen there in time as they put their hand on your stomach…get used to it, from here on out it’s happening)
*Congrats you’ve survived your first TWO trimesters! You’re only slightly jaded and ready to punch only about 68% of people who talk to you. You’re definitely wishing for the days when people asked you about your weekend plans or your job rather than your ever-changing body. You’re so sick and tired of people talking about the size of your stomach that you consider wearing baggy sized XXL sweatshirts everywhere so they can’t comment on it. You’ve gotten so jumpy from dodging hands on your stomach that you have considered touching everyone right back, but you HAVE social skills and that would just put you through more discomfort, so in the end you don’t.
“Do you have a name picked out?”
What you WANT to say: Yes! And We’re NOT tellingggggg nanny nanny boo boo! (Stick tongue out, hands flapping on either side of your head.)
What you WILL say: Yes we do, but we are keeping it a secret. REAL, slightly sadistic, Smile!
(This is the first piece of info I was able to keep to myself without guilt and it felt Soooooooo good! Don’t get me wrong, people tried to guilt trip me, but I didn’t give a flying duck! —no I don’t actually mean duck–Mommy practice!).
“WOW! You’re getting BIG!” (This one will recur every week here on out)
What you WANT to say: WOW! You too!! What did you EAT this week??
What you WILL say: Yes, well, I AM growing a human in there! The doctor’s say she’s right on target for her size actually. Fake Smile!
“What are your labor plans? Are you going to have drugs? Get ready for a lot of waiting. Let me tell you about when I was in labor…it was 18 hours of….”
What you WANT to say: I wish I could take drugs to get through this conversation. LALALALALALALALALALALALA! (Hands over ears)
What you WILL say: Well, I am planning on…but as for the rest I am leaving it up to God. Oh, that sounds awful…
(Then you will listen to the worst most excruciatingly graphic conversation about that person’s torn vagina and you’ll never want to look at them again. This will happen with most middle-aged and older women who you encounter, so maybe just avoid them altogether).
“You’ve dropped a LOT! You’re going to have this baby any day now!”
AND yet SIMULTANEOUSLY from other people
“You haven’t dropped yet! You’re definitely gonna be past your due date!”
What you WANT to say: I hardly know you and yet you are so in tune with the happenings of my uterus! I had no idea you were a psychic! Can you tell me what the winning lottery numbers will be?
What you WILL say: Ha! Who knows! She will come when she is ready I guess! FAKE ASS SMILE!
“So, Listen..I have these personal plans that I made, and it would be GREAT if you could just have the baby AFTER this day….or NOT this weekend….(and the worst) Keep your legs crossed until this date!”
What you WANT to say: 👊🏻 There are no words…basically you just want to punch them.
What you WILL say: Ha! I’ll do my best. Let me mark that on my calendar! Very-Very-Very Fake Smile.
*this week is really uncomfortable if you’re still working, NOT because of the baby, but because of the stupid crap people will say to you.
“You’re still here! No baby yet?”
What you WANT to say: NO SHIT SHERLOCK! You’re astute enough to figure out that I’m here but you can’t tell there’s still a watermelon in my abdomen?
What you WILL say: Yes! I’ll be here till the baby comes! Nope she’s not ready yet I guess. Fake smile. (A co-worker recommended just putting the response to this one on a sign on your desk.)
“Ohhhh looooook you’re nestingggggggg (Condescending tone and giggle).”
What you WANT to say: Actually if you’ve read my blog before, you’d know that this is a normal Saturday for me. But sure okay if you wanna be annoying then yes, look how cute I am.
What you WILL say: He He He. Fake smile.
Last but not least, and if this happens to you…I’m sorry:
“What if your water breaks while you’re here at work?! Who will clean THAT up?”
What you WANT to say: SOOOO when did it become OK to talk about my bodily fluids in the workplace, and since when are we in a Hollywood movie? I don’t want to know what comes out of your vagina so please stop talking about what may or may not leak out of mine.
What you WILL say: ..Honestly I faked a laugh and ignored it as best as I could so that I did not have to talk about this topic in my place of work….BUT you’re 100% allowed to educate them, and tell them that fewer than 15% of women will experience their “water breaking” before labor begins, and it doesn’t come out as a flood, but only a trickle, and many women don’t even notice. You’ll more likely experience contractions before this happens and already be at home. You can further explain that they won’t find out if it DOES happen because you’ll just leave quietly and go home to change your damp panty liner. Then you’ll do a happy dance because you don’t have to go back to that place for 8-12 weeks!!!
41 and Beyond:
You can only imagine the number of things people say to women once they’ve gone PAST their due date. Today is 40 weeks and 1 day for me. Due to the amount of annoying and inappropriate comments I got just yesterday, I will stop going to work after this week is over (only two more days!). At this point there won’t be any difference between what you WANT to say and what you WILL say, so just stop answering phone calls and avoid people altogether. Just remember, it’s all over soon, and then NONE of these people will give a flying duck about you. From now on, alllll they will ask about is your little baby and then I’ll have a whole NEW post about how to handle those fun parenting comments and tips!
Thanks to: https://tenor.com/search/fake-smile-gifs for the visual materials!